Matrescence: Becoming Something New

“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new."- Osho Rajneesh

Expectations vs. Reality

Most of us expect our lives to change when we become mothers. We can dream about what our lives will look like once our baby is here and what kind of parents we will be. However, we cannot prepare for what that change will feel like. This is part of the unknown of parenthood. Will our expectations align with our reality? For most of us, the answer to that question is no.  Most of us enter into parenthood with some unrealistic expectations, despite whatever planning or preparation we may have done prior.

You’ve conquered the enormous feat of birthing your child, and suddenly, you’re thrust into figuring out how to care for this new baby while dealing with a completely different body and brain. The postpartum period can bring intense emotions that are challenging to talk about. It may feel like the only acceptable thing to say out loud is, “I’m so in love,” “I’m perfectly content,” or “I’ve never been happier”. While some of that may be true, let’s face it—you also feel other things, some of which may be scaring you or causing you to doubt yourself. Being a new mom can be an emotional rollercoaster.

Matrescence and why it matters

Did you know that the process of becoming a mother has a name? It’s called matrescence. Similar to the developmental stage we’re all familiar with, adolescence. Matrescence is full of hormonal, physical, psychological, and social changes. The term was coined in the 1970’s by anthropologist Dana Raphael. Matrescence, much like adolescence, transforms a person in countless ways. This is an ongoing process and you will discover new parts of yourself in this role as your child continues to grow throughout their lifetime.

So, why is it important to know about matrescence? Naming this process can be incredibly validating for new parents trying to make sense of this tumultuous transition. Knowing that it’s normal to struggle and have difficulty with this transition can help you release shame and make room for self-compassion. 

When you become a mother, it is helpful to accept duality. The idea that two different things can be true at once was never more apparent to me than when I became a mother. How could it be that I feel so in love with my child AND feel sadness that my life will never be the same again? I wanted to hold and stare at my child all day, AND I also felt desperate to have even just a few moments where I didn’t have to think about my child’s needs. I had to learn to allow myself to feel these conflicting emotions without judging myself for having them.

Grief & Evolution

We often try to resist change, especially the change that comes with motherhood because so much of the messaging in our society about motherhood is negative. We don’t want motherhood to change our personality, ambition, relationships, career, style, or body. We don’t want to be like those other moms who have “let themselves go”, we want to be the cool mom. We aim to be the mom who can make it through this transition with her pre-motherhood identity completely intact. Reality check— motherhood is all-consuming.

The good news is, we are not one-dimensional.  We are complex beings, and our lives can become enriched by motherhood, not diminished. You are evolving and there is so much to discover about yourself in motherhood.

Grief comes with change; when we become mothers we say goodbye to parts of our lives that we may have loved and enjoyed. We need to let go of what has been to make space for what is new. Allow yourself to grieve and experience these emotions because, on the other side, there is a stronger version of you waiting for you to step into your power.

You can integrate these new parts of yourself into the mosaic of who you are. I encourage you to embrace the journey of motherhood and who you can become along the way because motherhood can introduce you to the most beautiful version of yourself. 

If you want support navigating your matrescence, I am currently accepting new therapy clients. You can schedule a free consultation call here.